My first day in Philly was eye-opening, to say the least. For the first time in my life, I compared myself to everyone around me. My hair, clothing, the way I walked…..everything. I felt people’s stares as I walked down the streets of Center City. Some outright asked me if I was Amish. I was rocking a floral dress that I made by hand and a pair of shoes that I found at the thrift store. As I examined my surroundings, I saw a medley of people with their own unique style. From expensive looks that I had only seen in magazines to the more trendy and mainstream styles, everyone had their own identity.
Suddenly, I felt incredibly uncomfortable with myself. Until that point, I never put effort into my appearance. I was the “brush my teeth and go” type of person. The community I grew up in is very conservative and religious. The vast majority of women in this community were clothed in practical dresses that covered everything from the neck-down. The men generally wore jeans and a button up shirt. Although I longed to try some of the clothes and makeup I saw in pictures, I wouldn’t dare mention it for fear of seeming rebellious. As a result, I didn’t develop my own sense of style…..instead I just went with the flow. However, moving to the city presented me with a dilemma. I was insecure.
As the weeks went by, I slowly immersed myself into my new environment. I attempted to connect with people in my community but oftentimes ended up watching TV in my apartment. One day, I was on my way to a class and my neighbor stopped me to say hello. During our conversation she mentioned that she had been wanting to invite me to hang out with her and her roommate, but I came across as standoffish. I pondered on her comment for a few days. It was true. People often stopped me to ask where I was from or to make small talk. I allowed my anxiety to prevent me from enjoying a simple conversation with anyone. Finally, I made the conscious decision to get out of my head and just live.
So I decided to scrounge up a few extra bucks to go shopping for some clothes that I actually liked. I also drummed up the courage to be more sociable. No, it wasn’t easy and not everyone in the city is friendly. But it was an adjustment that changed my life. Even now, I still come across people who feel the need to point out my “flaws”. But over time, I’ve learned that I don’t need to internalize other individuals’ negative energy. Nowadays, I choose to walk with confidence knowing that I don’t need to look like everyone else to be happy. Frankly, as long as you’re secure within yourself, no one really cares.
